Depression doesn't look like what you
think it looks like. It is not just someone with a flat affect, or
someone who contemplates suicide. It can be those things, but it's
also the person who smiles in company and laughs at things.
People, even close friends, are
sometimes surprised to hear I struggle with depression. I talk and
interact with people, so they assume I am fine. Partly that's because
I'm an introvert and I guard my inner self carefully from those whom
I don't have a deep bond of trust with. But sometimes even with those
people I don't talk about how I am feeling. They don't have answers,
I don't have answers, and it makes me feel even more down to admit to
my mental state.
Depression in my life means I
accomplish nothing. I have no drive, no ability to push myself. I
have little interest in even those pursuits that bring me joy in
better times. I only have energy for more passive forms of
self-medicating like reading or watching television.
While I do have low energy reserves
from my disabilities and fibromyalgia, depression pulls those even
lower. I am still aware of the household chores, creative pursuits,
and income-producing activities that I need or should be doing, but
can't focus on one to pursue. I am overwhelmed and feel inadequate to
any of them, so I do nothing. This compounds my depression because
I'm accomplishing nothing. The perceived expectations of others (whom
I am disappointing) also weigh on me.
Depression also looks like anger. I
have unreasonable lack of tolerance for the inconveniences and
mishaps of daily life. Instead of just handling things and moving on,
I can't cope appropriately with the accidental spill, dropped object,
etc., and it seems like these things occur more frequently (though
that may just be perception since as I said, I can't cope with it). I
get truly angry, I have less patience with family members, I lose my
temper more easily and often. I may be seething with rage simply
because I dropped the tv remote between the bed and the wall and have
to get up and fish under the bed to retrieve it. I get more angry
about “strangers on the internet” and more prone to responding to
comments I disagree with instead of just ignoring and moving on.
About two years ago I tried medication,
which did help. Until it didn't, because higher doses of it induced
panic attacks during/about driving, resulting in isolating myself
more while I weaned off the medication and tried to work through the
anxiety so I could drive again. I didn't like how the higher doses of
the medication made me sleepy during the day. I hoped I could stop
taking the medication altogether, because while on it, I'd somewhat
forgotten how bad I'd felt before that.
Now I'm on a very low dose, close to
being off of it altogether. I don't know what to do. I've almost
eliminated panic attacks about driving now, returning to my
pre-medication reaction of intense butterflies in the stomach
instead. Still not ideal but more manageable. But my creative drive
is gone again. The crushing weight of feeling useless and worthless
is back. Tears threaten at the drop of a hat.
For a few days I tried an herbal
supplement that is used to treat depression and works for my mom. I
don't seem to metabolize it the same way. It made me so sleepy the
next day, even if I took it before bed. I felt a little less angry or
prone to cry, but not more able to just get something done. (Yes I'm
aware of interactions between some supplements and drugs for
depression.) I may have to go back to this supplement though, and see
if I adjust to it over more time.
If I have caffeine, sometimes then I
can do something. It doesn't seem to take full effect until well into
the afternoon. On some days, it just makes me feel off.
I don't really have a conclusion here.
I wanted to write out my thoughts and try to do something to relieve
my feelings.
